Going through sexual abuse is hard, we are the victims and yet we struggle with feelings of guilt and blame, struggle and embarrassment. Sexual abuse affects everyone in society, both men and women are all victims.
The cost of damage of our emotional and physical health always lasts longer, and some of it is life altering and permanent. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t know, I thought I was just sad, what I didn’t know is that it would forever change who I was by ignoring the red flags.
I didn’t understand how serious it could get, I thought the pain would go away overnight and I thought I could handle it.
I never felt safe, I always spent my days behind closed doors for fear of my uncle climbing into my bed with me, he has done that not once, not twice but several times; I didn’t believe that when I was young. A tough lesson for a young girl but it served me right, my safety is my responsibility.
Sometimes we have no choice but to learn how to stand on our own, people get tired of our stories because they got their lives to take care of and its definitely right.
At some point I didn’t feel like I was going to make it alone and I searched for one or two people to keep safe. I met a few friends and at the back of my mind I thought I had found a safe place, but I was wrong.
It took me months to realize I was always a topic of their discussion immediately I left their table. Sad world right, but we live through learning, in order to save me, I only needed me, to stand on my own!
16 years later, still pressing, waking up on that bipolar mood, struggling with voices in my head and several suicidal attempts, going in and out of therapy, the hospital has become my closest friend, popping pills just to be able to balance the good and bad in me.
Domestic abuse will damage you, if not kill you, abuse is never love because you can’t abuse someone you love, abusers only care for themselves and their needs. We’ve got to stand tall because we have survived. I never wanted to believe I was a victim until one day I woke up and things really got tough. All I could do was soak myself in my pillows and drown myself in oceans of my own tears!
Then came social media, what does it do for you? It allows us to show perfect moments of our lives, and filters help us hide our imperfections. When I look back at all I have overcome, sometimes am in awe that I have actually survived it all. Sometimes it doesn’t feel real, at times I want to wish it was only but a nightmare, they say time heals all wounds but does it really? What if time itself is the wound?
No one wants to grow up thinking that one day they would become victims of harsh realities of life. The scars are deep, the trauma, some scars have faded some are still fresh and new and I don’t know if they will fully heal. Healing doesn’t just happen overnight, its a continuous process but if I have come this far then its strength, hurray!
Abuse is never the victims fault as some people may put it, no folks, its the abuser. Everyday is a chance to try again, erase the bad memories and start over. This comes in waves cause we are broken and at times we lose our way and forget who we are, but that’s still okay. We can always find our way back home, my therapist would say this on one sunny afternoon during my regular check ups and we would laugh hard!
Too many times I said it was okay but the truth is it was never okay, some weeks feels busy, numerous errands and doctors appointments, am always on the go nonstop. Sometimes I wish I could push just one button and pause the world for a while, so I could have a moment or two to catch my breath. Sometimes it gets busy and tough, its even hard to learn how to slow down, pause and take a breathe. Sometimes I feel like a total stranger in a place I have known all my life, I have pushed myself to a total and complete break down both physically and emotionally. Its simple and tragic and unless you have experienced it you will never understand it.
Not everyone will get you or whatever you have been through, some will laugh, others will show pity and others will brush it off, but I only seek out for the few who look at me and hold my hand. I share my pain so you know you not alone, this a decision that has been long coming. Am not always open and vulnerable.I get anxious of what i post/write and worry what people think of me. Well see, am just human. Am not always stuck in places of “pain” that I usually write about but its still there beneath the surface and to some point that’s the only place i have known for sometime. At times am troubled by “my lack of progress” or how long its taking me to get over it.
There has been so much truth that went on behind that closed door. Shame, fear, embarrassment, fear of further abuse, rejection, ridicule, loosing friends and some family members; waking up daily with the pressure to maintain a “normal life ”.
Its hard being me, my life is now best described after I was diagnosed with bipolar syndrome. Everything is a potential trigger, everyday becomes a challenge, everyone is a trigger too. Triggers are potentially everywhere and can go off at anytime. When they strike no one wants to know what triggered you, Its more like, ”why are you acting like that” , “what the hell is wrong with you” “you are so dramatic”, ” “always seeking attention”, and at times I wish they knew. I remember a friend yelling at me telling me “wewe ulituchocha kumbe uko tu sawa”. Nothing could be further from the truth but that’s not how it works, thanks for making things worse my friend. I lost interest in most friendships and decided to always be on my own because I couldn’t control reactions to being triggered.
Its called trauma, never let anyone make you feel bad for how you struggling, healing and recovering. The people who care about you will be there and take time to understand you. Unfortunately, alot of people won’t get it and I chose not to take that personal. After a long time I realized that the shame, embarrassment and rejection was not mine to carry. Am grateful for my inner strength, at times am knocked down and the weight of the world feels more than I can hold. I know it wont be this forever, at times we fall and other times we rise. Trust is a fragile thing and its personal too.
Progress not Perfection, healing for me will be something I will continue to do, there will be good and awful days and all days in between but we live to fight another day!