so all ladies my age are getting engaged every other weekend, getting married and having babies while I am just here updating my meme calendar and sleeping through all my nine alarms every morning. Anyway imma sit my ass back and keep waiting for Mr. Right, that guy been stuck up a tree for so long now.
So ladies and gents, I am here today to rant. I am a disturbed woman as I type this. You see I am a fashion whore ,I freaking love fashion but you’ll all to agree with me that sometimes trash /crap gets branded cool in the name of fashion. I personally have a problem with men in skinny pants and to add insult to the injury; skinny and ragged pants. You’ll remember how my ex boyfriend Vin dumped me for my sleepy voice?! He actually said I sounded like Future …..Dear Vin may you choke on your own vomit and well….die! I miss you though ,I miss the way you used to call me cookie monster ,I miss the petty fights ,the make up sessions were the bomb.Daaaaamn my mind is corrupted now,lemme go back to venting .So now two months after my Vin dumped me I created an account for this silly dating sites.
I keep scrolling for days and nuuuuuh no one matches what I am looking for (truth be told I don’t even know what I was looking for) till I came across Charlie’s profile. Charlie looks optically nutritious hahaha,so I slide in his DM and hit him with a’ hey.’to cut the story short we begin chatting and two weeks later we agree to meet.On this day I don’t sleep through my alarms ,I am up early and singing Taylor Swift’s “We are never getting back together” repeatedly and saying the name VIN loudly after every sentence. I have my hopes high up in the sky.
I get to our meeting place first and order for water only. First time impression people ,first impression.Like yeah ,I really want to hog, I want to eat everything ,I want to eat the chairs and the tables and the fence and even the waiters but I want to act all divaish so I opt for water. I am going through my IG checking any new meme which has raged Donald Duck pic on it at the same time checking my watch. It has been 30 minutes and no sign of Charlie, I decide to text him;
“Don’t even think of a reason of why you stood me up, I understand” yeah my peoples I snap that first. I can make a perfect crazy ex girlfriend, the type that writes ‘ISSA ASSHOLE’ on your new car, 😂😂😂😂😂I am dying here fam why am I like this though.
I am putting my lippies and my phone back in my bag when my phone buzzes;
‘Angalia nyuma yako”
I turn,it is Charlie, he must have filtered his pics though (like I always do but it is okay for me ,the society has allowed the girl child to filter her pics ,it is in the bible too;Zephaniah 37:9) . Charlie is walking funnily, Charlie ain’t limping it is more like dragging his feet .” Is Charlie having Chlamydia?” I ask myself. He walks up to me and murmurs something like ‘where is my hug?’ I giggle and stretch my hand for a handshake. He literally says ‘SMH’ and heads/drags his feet to his seat. Is at that time when I realize the problem. It is his freaking pants, they are too tight . He cant even sit upright ,you would think he is having period cramps. He is trying to strike a conversation but all this time I am hoping and praying that he doesn’t burst in that chair. How will even explain to the police how my blind date burst in his seat like a balloon.
I am constantly thinking about ‘his people’ down there. How those ‘people’ are so squeezed and probably crying out for help. I am imagining his wardrobe with around 30 such pants, I am not ready for this. He is repeatedly complimenting my eyes💁🏾💁🏾 …yeah I get that a lot hihihi ,little does he know they are dilated and all wide looking for waitress so I can order for two buffaloes ,seven loaves of bread and all yesterdays leftovers. I don’t care about first impressions anymore.
End of my ranting session but please men ,no skinny pants …they make you look like praying mantis ,alafu Vin texted me yesterday and I am here all tryna play hard to get so I replied but saved the text as draft ,I will send it to him on Wednesday (just a random day ) Charlie has been blowing my phone with texts and phone calls and worse off dedicated songs but I ain’t ready for this FAM .
Goes back to sleeping through my alarms,they are currently twelve!